I believe I’ve managed to crack the secret code of profiles on gay dating apps. It’s taken years of research, but here are my observations:
What Your Profile Says VS What It Actually Means
Butch – “I have three chest hairs and my squeaky voice is only audible to dogs.”
Discreet – “I’m a hypocritical liar intent on spreading self-shame and reinforcing negative stereotypes.”
Discrete – “I can’t spell for shit.” (Normally I’d point out that a dumb fuck is a good fuck, but closeted guys are too shy and reserved to be any good in bed)
Bi-curious – “I touched a boob once.”
Top – “My heels are filled with helium. Can you top me first? No? Let’s scissor, then.”
Masculine – “My micro penis is often mistaken for a clitoris.”
Friends only – “I’d bang you faster than a Trump supporter can light a tiki torch.”
No fats/fems/asians/blacks – “I’m a naturally thin boy living a privileged life, who has no idea how hurtful it is to be marginalised as a group. I’ve never suffered discrimination in my life, not even for being gay.”
No profile picture – “I’m uglier than your average Trump twitter storm.” OR “I’m so far in the closet I couldn’t find my way out with a torch and a GPS unit.”
Easygoing – “I’m more anxious than a caffeinated chihuahua.”
Boy next door – “I’m literally in the bushes next door, watching your every move.”
Toned – “I’ve never done a sit-up in my life… I just don’t eat.”
Open relationship – “My partner has no idea I’m a horny slut behind his back.”
Single – refer to ‘Open relationship’
Monogamous – “I have a greater chance of taking home an STI because my partner and I don’t use condoms.”
Dominant – “I’m a starfish in bed. Bring a cattle prod if you expect me to move.”
Hung – “I get confused between inches and centimetres. 8 cm = 8 inches, right?”
Obviously there are genuine exceptions to each of these characterisations. My profiles always say ‘friends only’ and ‘monogamous’, and I actually mean what I say. I also claim to have a swimmer’s build… because whales swim, right?
Just trust your gut. The first few exchanges in a chat reveal far more about a guy than his profile ever will. Monosyllabic, one-way conversation? Kick him to the digital kerb.
Apps such as Grindr and Scruff exist mostly for hooking up, but it’s possible to meet interesting people amongst the forest of torsos if you’re just looking for mates. Keep parsing through the idiots. Occasionally you will click with someone. Keep an eye out for these keywords in profiles, as they indicate honest guys in touch with reality:
So What Should I Avoid In My Profile?
Does your profile say ‘no pic no chat‘? Well thank you, Captain Obvious. It’s a turn-off. You should delete that bit, unless you actually intend to come across as an impatient douchebag. Having a rule like that is fine – I have the same rule – but keep it internal. If someone messages you without a pic, just block or ignore them. ‘No pic no chat’ never made anybody stop and think about their actions before sending you a boring ‘hi’.
Now let’s expand on the ‘no fats/fems/asians/blacks’ theme we talked about earlier. Having preferences is perfectly fine. Nobody is forcing you to have sex with somebody you aren’t attracted to. However, you need to judge each person on their merits because there will be exceptions to your preferences who surprise you. If you eliminate entire groups based on race, it’s racism. If you publicly express your view, don’t be surprised if you’re called a racist.
Also, don’t be a hypocrite. So many guys out there don’t have photos, but insist you have a photo before you message them. Get over yourself. You aren’t Channing Tatum. And even if you were, you’d still be blocked.
Don’t Lie About Your Age
Are you one of those losers who lies about their age and uses a photo which was taken ten years ago? This will come back to bite you on the arse, and not in a fun ‘oh my god do they want to be paid for this?’ kind of way. You will get caught. You will be laughed at (but probably behind your back, because the other guy respects his elders).
Imagine this: you claim to be 38 years old and are actually 48. You meet a guy and there’s no spark, so he leaves without putting out. You can probably justify it in any number of ways: China’s fault, Obama’s fault, etc. But deep down, you know what happened. You know what he was thinking. “That guy was in terrible shape for his age! Poor old bastard. I’d give him a sympathy fuck, but I’m worried it would be too much for his heart and kill him.”
Don’t Be A Self-Hating Homophobe
Guys on gay dating apps are generally there for a root (Aussie slang for a fuck/shag/etc) and maybe a chat or a laugh. They aren’t there to hold your hand throughout the self-acceptance part of your coming out process.
Closeted guys are a scourge on gay dating apps. The vast majority of men avoid closeted guys, because they’re needy and lousy lovers. Which makes sense, I guess: if you’ve repressed your sexuality, you must also be repressed sexually.
So if you’re ‘discreet/discrete/closeted/on the downlow‘ or if you have no profile pic, you should be seeing a therapist… not other men. Talk to your best friend, or find a counsellor. If your best friend doesn’t accept you, they were never your friend. Acceptance can only come from within, not from the validation of horny guys on gay dating apps.
You will have a much more pleasurable experience with the apps after you cast off your shame. Confidence is sexy.
What Should I Do With My Profile, Then?
Have A Face Pic
A face pic shows that you’re comfortable, confident, and unashamed. It also helps prevent awkward moments, like that time your uncle was in town and propositioned you on Grindr because he liked your torso pic.
If you find your life or personality to be so distasteful that you must lie about it, you really should be working on the issue instead of deceiving people about it. Be honest with yourself and have a firm grip on reality. Now that’s hot.
Positivity and negativity are like mirrors: whatever you put out, you will get back. So avoid negative words like ‘no’ and ‘don’t’. List your likes instead of your dislikes. Tell us what makes you happy.
If you happen to run into me on a gay dating app, say hi! Why not introduce yourself with a few photos? A speedos pic would definitely grab my attention 😉 Be prepared to have a decent two-way chat.
Remember: your profile is your first impression. You want to draw people in, not repel them.
Imagine a guy in a bar with a hood over his head, holding up a sign which reads ‘No fats/fems/asians/blacks. I hate myself. No chat if you’re also wearing a hood’. Would you approach him? If the answer is yes, you’re a fucked up unit who doesn’t know a red flag when he sees one.
How is your dating/sex life working out for you?